Loneliness vs belonging | Is there a God?

Human beings are social animals. We have evolved to depend on each other for health and survival.

So it isn’t surprising that our wellbeing improves when we have a sense of belonging, while loneliness generally affects us adversely. Here’s a summary of how that works.

If loneliness is hurtful to you, there are places you can receive help.

Modern disconnection

Loneliness occurs when someone seeks connection, companionship or relationship and doesn’t find it. It can happen when someone is socially isolated (not in contact with many people), but doesn’t always occur then, and may occur even when someone has lots of human contact but isn’t satisfied by it.

Studies give varied results, but generally show that:

about a quarter to a third of people globally feel lonely at least sometimes – and some studies suggest loneliness may be felt by half the population in some countries;
10-20% of Europeans and 16% of Americans feel lonely most of the time;
young adults are generally the most lonely and the elderly the least lonely, but this can vary in different countries and in different studies;
women are slightly more likely to be lonely than men;
a high percentage of sexual minorities say the feel lonely a lot.

Some people choose to distance themselves from others because of busyness, past hurtful relationships or wanting to avoid the messiness of human relationships. Some may feel they are more complete in themselves if they don’t “need” others. This is known as “systemic isolation“, it is voluntary, but it can still be harmful.

Feeling rejected

Loneliness can occur when people feel rejected by those from whom they seek acceptance. Possible reasons (whether justified or not) may include:

undesirable behaviour, e.g. noisy, aggressive or impulsive words or actions;
being socially anxious or withdrawn;
bad reputation;
inherent characteristics such as race, disability, physical appearance, gender diversity, etc (depending on the prejudices of the group).

It is possible for people experiencing rejection to train themselves to avoid some of these causes of rejection, but others depend on the group being more sensitive, tolerant and accepting.

Living alone

In the past century, the number of single person households worldwide has trebled from less than 10% to almost 30%. While living alone has advantages for individuals, it can certainly contribute to social isolation and loneliness.

Other causes of loneliness

People can feel lonely as they age, if they are unmarried or unemployed, or have over-busy lives. Perhaps they work from home most days and rarely see their colleagues face-to-face any more.

People who are suffering from poor mental or physical health, or come from an ethnic or other minority, or experience social or economic disadvantage may all feel more lonely because of prejudice or simply having smaller social circles.

Some aspects of modern life, especially in cities, can be more convenient, but often reduce human contact. For example, buying online, eating at home with home delivery of take-away food, self checkout at the supermarket, streaming movies at home rather than visiting a theatre and watching sport on TV rather than attending the game. These factors may not necessarily make us feel lonely, but they may play a part in feeling isolated and disconnected.

Loneliness and youth

Loneliness and rejection are especially an issue for youth, in schools, families and among peers. Because young people are still forming their characters and learning social norms and boundaries, “adolescence is the developmental period that is most sensitive and vulnerable to their negative effects.”

Schools and families have an important role in giving youth a sense of belonging. Parents and relatives can help a child feel they have been heard and understood, and they belong and they matter. Good teachers also have an important role in helping a child feel included and in developing the necessary social skills.

Loneliness is a lack of trust

Research scientist Dr. Louise Hawkley says that “loneliness is a symptom of a lack of trust. When an individual believes others to be unreliable and dishonest, they withdraw socially.”

This distrust can be felt towards other people, but also institutions and governments. Lack of welfare and healthcare services can lead to loneliness. Institutional distrust and loneliness can lead to xenophobia and support for authoritarian government.

How we connect matters

You’d think that with mobile phones and social media, people would be more connected, at least superficially. And that’s true, especially for older people, for whom it can increase connection with family and hence reduce loneliness.

But in the US, there has been “a decline in in-person social contact between 2006 and 2017, accompanied by a simultaneous rise in internet and social media usage”. In Europe, a study found that “intense use of social networking sites is associated with an increase in loneliness”.

It is common to see people at informal or even more formal social gatherings on their phones, talking, texting or (more commonly) just scrolling. Technology often seems to be more attractive than relating to people face-to-face.

So there can be problems for younger people if online contact is a substitute for genuine personal connection.

Sometimes people are so busy, perhaps because of work pressure, that relationships suffer. Social media connection can too easily be abbreviated.
Online communication lacks the emotional cues that accompany face-to-face relationships, and so can be far less personal and satisfying: “social networking sites replace offline relationships with online ones, lacking the intimacy and quality of offline interactions”.
People tend to show their best and most glamourous side on social media, and social media algorithms tend to highlight popular and good looking people – which can leave users feeling inferior and insecure.
Social media use can increase anxiety and fear of missing out.

So in the worst case, dependence on social media interaction can lead to loneliness and disconnection, which are associated with poorer mental and physical health.

Loneliness and health

It isn’t always clear how loneliness and poor health are connected, but it is known that “loneliness activates the brain’s threat response, making us hyper-aware of perceived dangers.”

And it seems most likely that loneliness is a factor in a range of physical health issues (e.g. blood pressure, stroke, diabetes) and mental health issues (e.g. anxiety, depression, self harm).

The World Health Organisation estimates that “Loneliness affects nearly one in six people globally and causes about 871,000 deaths annually”.

Belonging is good for you

The antidote for loneliness is a sense of belonging.

Belonging is more than just having friends. Belonging is a feeling of being accepted, supported and valued for who we are, a sense of connection with others in a group or a circle of friends. Thus belonging gives us a sense of security.

Belonging doesn’t require us to change to fit in with a group. Brene Brown writes: “Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”

Being connected to others has a physiological effect – it triggers the release of oxytocin, often called the “bonding hormone,” which reduces stress and fosters trust

It is possible to feel a sense of belonging without being in a close group. We may feel we belong in the world, or in a place, and this may give us a similar feeling of security. Social media can give a sense of belonging if our interaction is positive and we gain a feeling of acceptance and worth – it’s just that social media too often doesn’t give that.

But most commonly, we’ll feel a sense of belonging if we participate in shared activities, or have shared interests, shared values or shared identities with a group of people.

Gaining a sense of belonging

There are ways to improve our sense of belonging and so avoid feeling lonely. (Sources in the references below.)

Personal

Understand yourself. Think about what you’re feeling and resolve to make specific steps to address the negative things you feel. Understand the health impacts of loneliness and take steps to improve eating and exercise habits.
Use mindfulness practices.
- Spend quiet moments reflecting on past times when you felt deeply part of a community or group, particularly those moments when your sense of belonging seemed highest. Maybe write them down. This helps moderate low times and feel grateful.
- Get outdoors into nature, sit quietly. Breathe deeply in and out and reflect on how the air you breathe was provided by plants, and your breathe feeds plants. This helps feel connected to the whole earth.
- Reflect on whatever you think sacred, spiritual or greater than yourself. Humans are helped when they feel in the presence of something greater than themselves.
Be patient. Change can take time.

Social

There is much we can do to get out, make friends and get connected.

Spend time with people.Face-to-face connection beats more distant communication. Grab a coffee with a friend. Walk down the corridor to talk to a co-worker (if appropriate) rather than send an email. Focus on quality relationships rather than hundreds of Facebook “friends”.
Ask questions. Be curious (though not intrusive). Take an interest in others.
Practice deep listening. Listen fully rather than thinking about what you’ll say next. Try to understand by looking at non verbal cues. This can take practice. Avoid texting while in a conversation.
Be authentic and vulnerable. When appropriate, be honest about how you’re feeling. Be willing to share yourself with trusted friends.
Practice acceptance. Focus on the similarities, not the differences, that connect you to others, and remain open to new ways of thinking. Be accepting of people of different races, gender or interests.
Be kind and helpful. Do small favours for people or random acts of kindness. Speak kindly about others.
Seek new friendships. Look for people you could see regularly who share your interests or experiences. Be open to meeting friends of friends. Say yes to invitations you receive.
Cultivate empathy — the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Empathy is the cornerstone of belonging – when we empathize, our brains activate the same neural circuits as the person experiencing the emotion. So empathy creates a bridge between minds and hearts.

Technology

Taking control of our use of techology can be key to building connectedness and belonging. Limiting the time we spend on social media reduces its negative effects and allows more time for more personal relationships. Psychologist Amy Sullivan: “When people pull back from social media, they become much more intentional in seeking out real relationships.”

Set healthy limits. If social media is having a negative effect on you, limit the time you spend – some apps even have settings to do this automatically.
Revue the apps you use. Consider if they are enriching your life or having a negative effect, and replace or remove as necessary.
Go greyscale. Apparently colour makes things more engaging and even addictive. Most operating systems have accessibility settings that allow greyscale to be set.
Review who you follow. Reduce input from sources that are negative or irrelevant. Consider unfollowing or ‘muting’ content from celebrities, influencers and people you don’t know.
Think before you connect. Develop a habit of pausing and deciding if you need to answer the phone or open an app.

Religion & spirituality

Religion and spirituality can greatly assist our sense of belonging.

Feeling connected to a higher power correlates with greater mental and emotional flourishing.
Churches and other spiritual gatherings can provide connection just like any other group. But meeting with others to worship or reach out to the divine enhances connection and community, raising social connections to something more than just a group of people with a common interest.
Involvement in religious institutions “may protect against loneliness in later life by integrating older adults into larger and more supportive social networks.”
Religious attendance prior to the Covid pandemic resulted in greater sense of belonging, which led to reduced distress during the pandemic.
A 2020 study found that weekly religious attendance reduced the risk of death from suicide or overdose by two thirds in women and one third in men.

However the impacts of religion on loneliness are not straightforward, and some studies show less positive outcomes.

If people attend a religious gathering and are not welcomed, this can make them feel more lonely.
Being part of minority religious groups can increase loneliness.
Individualistic spirituality can increase loneliness because it doesn’t involve relationships with others.

Helping others

We can all help others escape loneliness and gain a sense of belonging, by following some of the practices outlined above, for example:

cultivate empathy,
tolerate and celebrate difference
don’t make belonging conditional on allegiance,
look out for neighbours,
churches and other social organisations could be places where people can feel connection if they are organised to act to fully welcome people.

Government action

Loneliness is such an important wellbeing issue that some countries are developing government policies and programs to address it. These include:

Awareness campaigns backed by appropriate counselling and psychological services.
Government support for community organisations.
Strengthen social infrastructure such as libraries, parks and the design of public spaces.

I hope ….

I hope you found something useful here. If you would like more connection, or if you feel lonely at times, there are steps you can take to improve things.

And if you feel a real sense of belonging, you can certainly look out for, and assist, those looking for more connection.