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thoughtful ideas on life's big questions

Love, relationships and happiness

This page last updated November 18th, 2025

For most of us relationships are an important part of life. But do we give them enough attention?

We gain significant satisfaction in life from having purpose and meaning, being generous and altruistic, and being a “giver” more than a “taker”. If we look beyond ourselves and our own pleasures, paradoxically, we generally make ourselves happier.

But psychologists say that relationships are perhaps most important for life satisfaction.

So let’s look at why this is so, and also ways to make our relationships better.

The psychologists’ verdict is in!

Fifteen years ago, Psychologist Todd Kashdan identified these characteristics of happier people:

  • Happy people have stronger, more intimate friendships.
  • Happy people are more likely to be in satisfying romantic relationships.
  • Happy people spend more time helping other people.
  • Happy people are viewed positively by other people.

People in groups such as sporting teams, interest groups or churches tend to be happier than others, because of the network of friends such groups provide.

More recently, these half a dozen main factors were identified as helping us have a happy and fulfilled life.

  1. Positive Emotion: having attitudes like hope, joy, compassion, gratitude and optimism.
  2. Engagement: being absorbed in activities we are able to do well.
  3. Positive Relationships: feeling supported, loved, and valued by others, and doing the same for others too.
  4. Meaning: having a purpose and serving something greater than ourselves.
  5. Accomplishments/Achievements: achieving goals – intrinsic goals (such as growth and connection) lead to larger gains in wellbeing than external goals such as money or fame.
  6. Physical factors: good sleep, nutrition and physical activity.

Positive relationships

Positive psychologist Martin Seligman considers relationships to be the “single most reliable” of these elements to well-being. (I’ve seen others say meaning is equally important.)

Seligman says: “the happiest people spend the least time alone”. Good relationships act as a buffer to other adverse circumstances such as illness or unemployment.

Arthur Brooks: You want to be free of the sticky cravings of unhappiness and find a formula for happiness instead. How? ….. Love people, use things.

A 75 year long study of several hundred American men came to a similar conclusion. Among the lessons Harvard psychiatrist George Vaillant drew from the study were these:

  • Love Is Really All That Matters. Vaillant has said that the study’s most important finding is that the only thing that matters in life is relationships. A man could have a successful career, money and good physical health, but without supportive, loving relationships, he wouldn’t be happy (“Happiness is only the cart; love is the horse.”).
  • Connection Is Crucial. Strong relationships are the strongest predictor of life satisfaction. “The more areas in your life you can make connection, the better” Vaillant says. A growing body of research links social ties with longevity, lower stress levels and improved overall well-being.

So let’s look at how relationships benefit us.

What types of relationships?

Love, intimate relations, and social connection all add to human wellbeing.

Love can include: romantic love, love for family and friends, love for a pet, love for God and even love for favourite places, objects and activities. So it’s a pretty broad list. Social connection is a less intense experience but still helpful for our wellbeing.

All relationships are beneficial, but a stable marriage (or a stable relationship with a life partner) is one of the main contributors to long term satisfaction in life. So George Vaillant concluded that a stable marriage is one of the seven predictors of healthy aging.

Vaillant’s study also found, perhaps surprisingly, that “warm” childhood relations with our parents are associated with significantly better satisfaction throughout life and into old age.

What is love?

Psychologists say there are three main components of love:

  • Intimacy: emotional connection that is close and based on understanding and valuing each other.
  • Passion: physical attraction and romantic and sexual connection.
  • Commitment: a shared decision to be committed to maintaining the relationship.

Relationships that are based on more than one of these components are stronger and more likely to make people happy. So a relationship that has all three components (intimacy, passion & commitment = a good marriage or similar relationship) is the strongest of all.

Good relationships have good outcomes in our lives

Good relationships benefit us in many ways.

Social relationships

Successful relationships require both give and take. Significant relationships provide purpose as well as companionship. Relationships reduce loneliness.

When people spend more time socialising, they become more satisfied with their lives. The biggest boost seems to come from having strong ties to friends and relatives. Close friendships make us happy.

Life tends to lose meaning without social support which lessens loneliness and rejection.

The quality of the relationships makes a difference.

  • Solid relationships help us stay healthy, fight stress and live longer.
  • High-quality relationships provide emotional support, mitigate stress, and ultimately lead to a happier life.
  • Low quality relationships have the opposite effects.

Loving relationships

Loving relationships have an even stronger benefit:

  1. Love makes us happy. In the early stages of “falling in love”, the hormone dopamine is released in the brain. It is a mood intensifier, so we feel extremely positive and very appreciated. Later on, if we stay in love, the hormone oxytocin (“the bonding hormone”) is released, which strnegthens warm feelings towards our partner and also has health benefits.
  2. Love combats stress. When we feel securely attached to someone who has a positive response to us, we feel less stress because of higher levels of oxytocin and lower cortisole & adreneline.
  3. Love eases anxiety. Loneliness is bad for our health, again because of the hormones released because we feel anxious or insecure. So love reduces anxiety by causing helpful hormones toi be released.
  4. Love can make you take better care of yourself. A partner will be likely to notice changes in our health and encourage us to take action to care for ourselves and our relationship.
  5. Love helps you live longer. All of the above effects and consistent emotional support means that couples in a good marriage or similar relationship will have better health on average, and likely live longer. (As we’ve seen, this can be true for close social relationships as well as personal ones, though the effect may not be as strong.)

Relationship with God

We have seen that close social relationships foster happiness and wellbeing, while lack of at least one close relationship can be detrimental.

Positive Psychology is the scientific study of human flourishing, with the aim of helping people develop positive emotions, improved relationships and a more fulfilling life.

To do this, positive psychology focuses on a number of characteristics and concepts that are also important in Christian faith – for example: forgiveness, gratitude, altruism or prosocial behaviour, relationships, character and hope.

So it isn’t surprising that religious faith can assist in achieving the flourishing and wellbeing that positive psychology aims for.

A recent study tested how a relationship with God could provide similar happiness benefits to those provided by social relationships. The study found that if a person had no close social relationships but felt loved by God, that love helped thjem to be as happy as they would feel in a good social relationship. And if a person had both, they were even more likely to be happy.

Religious faith and relationships

Many studies show that religious faith is associated with happy marriages. Couples who practice religion together tend to enhance their relationship. In particular, couples who pray together tend more often to stay together and have greater life satisfaction.

These befits are greatest when couples share the same religious beliefs. Couples who have differing religious beliefs don’t have quite the same relationship stability.

Building stronger relationships

There are many ways to build stronger relationships.

Having a good attitude

Maintaining positive views about your partner

No-one is perfect (not even you … or me!). And we all say negative and even nasty things sometimes. It is easy to remember nasty words and focus on negative feelings.

“But if you can overlook those things and just focus on what’s important, it’s good for the body, good for the mind and good for the relationship.” says anthropologist Helen Fisher.

Find ways to compliment your partner every day, says Dr Carrie Cole. This validates your partner and helps them feel good about themselves, and it helps to remind you why you chose that person in the first place.

Transcending self

Self-transcendence is the ability to move beyond one’s own concerns and ego. In relationships, this means qualities such as equality, kindness, selflessness and compassion.

Relationships where these values are expressed tend to be more satisfying. I guess that’s pretty obvious, but living it out isn’t always easy.

Having important things in common

Goal coordination

People in relationship don’t always have the same goals. But when couples work together towards both of their individual ambitions, they are more successful in attaining those goals and also enjoy a more satisfying life together.

Quality time

Quality time is when people give each other undivided attention, usually to express love or accomplish a shared goal. Such shared experiences foster deeper connections.

But these times don’t always just happen. So it is important to dedicate time to be with our partner, our friends and family without distractions.

Healthy boundaries

In good relationships, there is a balance between supporting the other person in meeting their needs and goals, and in having our own needs and goals met. If the relationship is unbalanced, it isn’t mutually beneficial and may lead to dissatisfaction, discomfort, codependency or even coercive control.

It is therefore important to set healthy boundaries – respecting things each person is uncomfortable with, and making expectations clear rather than assuming others will figure them out.

Communicating well

Open communication

As much as possible (within the other requirements of good relationships), it is good to communicate openly about emotions and concerns, and not via hints of grievances, or staying silent.

At the same time, just because we know (or think we know) something doesn’t mean we have to say it. Some things are better left unsaid, at some times at least.

Active listening

Quality time and good communication require us to listen well, employing active listening. This means listening to understand and empathise rather than listening only enough to prepare what we want to say.

Active listening is the practice of listening attentively, observing what verbal and non-verbal messages are being sent, and then providing appropriate feedback so we show we have heard and are validating their feelings. The speakers know their message is coming across, and hearers gain a better understanding of the other person.

We can go one step further with “active constructive responding“, where we enthusiastically engage in the topic or issue raised by our conversation partner, by asking further questions.

Emotional responsiveness

Being emotionally responsive uses several of the practicies and attitudes already discussed.

Active listening demonstrates emotional responsiveness, the capacity to recognize, understand, and appropriately react to the emotional states of others (sometimes referred to as emotional intelligence). We show the other person we are “there for them”.

Emotional responsiveness is especially important in close partner relationships. Perhaps it is just a smile, a gentle touch, or a heartfelt “I understand”. It will generally mean showing empathy. At times of potential diagreement, it is learning how to talk about feelings in ways that brings the other person closer, not making them feel criticised.

Appreciation

Small acts of gratitude can significantly enhance relationships. Simple “thank yous” go a long way.

Telling your partner you love and appreciate them builds self esteem and the rel;ationship.

Sharing personal feelings

Sharing our personal feelings (self-disclosure) plays a major role in the relief of stress and depression.

On our best behaviour

  • It is generally good to share small positive things often. Compliments are a good start.
  • Controlling our feelings and our stress will generally help to keep a relationship positive. This often means keeping our mouths shut.
  • Empathy is an important quality, but we may need to practice showing empathy.
  • Providing social support is important. This may be in the workplace, at church or in other groups, or in good marriages. Older people, those suffering from poor mental health, the lonely and the sick may espoecially need support (which is obvious really). Parental support benefits teens.

The bottom line

If we want a happy and satisfying life, it is important that we cultivate good relationships, and work on being the sorts of people who can maintain good relationships. Ideal is “one close relationship and a network of friends”. Shared religious belief is beneficial to a relationship.

References

Photo Credit: MorgueFile.

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